Vapor
I was reminded this week how my time-capacity has greatly expanded from several years ago. I used to have a singular (1, one) event planned for the week and require two days prior to mentally prep and two days after to decompress.
I’m an introvert through and through, meaning that I get my energy from being alone. Think complete silence, candle burning, tea brewing, staring-into-the-ceiling-and-just-thinking time alone–that’s me, 100%. Back then though, I really didn’t “like people”. Looking back, this was probably comprised of raging insecurity, shameless selfishness, and a touch of social anxiety.
But I challenged my selfishness and started (reluctantly) volunteering. My heart began to heal and I fell in love with being with people. It’s like my eyes were opened to this whole wide world I’ve never seen before–humans and all of their complexities; how each person has thoughts, dreams, insecurities, struggles. I sat and listened. I asked questions and learned about people’s stories. What came to a surprise to me was the amount of shared experience we would have and the amount of brokenness there is within each person’s life journey.
So instead of staying at home nearly 24/7, I shifted with great contrast. I booked up every free moment I had and not only carried the weight of blessings, but of other’s burdens. I’d have sleepless nights thinking about the hurt someone experienced in their life and how I couldn’t do anything to ease it. I saw vacant volunteer opportunities and overextended myself to fill them. Being an introvert, and gaining energy from being alone, I became depleted. I wasn’t able to show up for others in the moment and be present. I became burnt out and had to step away from everything for a short time to regain my energy and re-evaluate my schedule to be something I could realistically sustain.
I look back at these time and call it “undue responsibility”–where one carries the sense of responsibility for things that they cannot control. My lovely therapist frames it this way: “the need is not the call”. There will always be endless opportunities to serve others and no shortage of people in pain.
I had to come to the revelation that first thing’s first, I can’t save anyone. Other’s hurt is not mine to carry, rather to be present with them and partner in prayer. I also learned that no matter how badly I want to help someone, they need to want to help themselves. And I can’t heal anyone from their pain. When I released myself from undue responsibility, I was able to be more present, flexible, and empathetic.
Today, I ask my Creator to show me the “right things” to spend my time and energy on. Often, these things align with my talents or personal mission (to help women self-reflect, find healing, + grow). Other times, it doesn’t look anything like this and is outside of my comfort zone. I still pray for an expanded capacity, but only for these things. I’ve found that when I’m leaning into these “right things” I often see my: energy sustain, rest expand into a deeper depth of restoration, or I do less and see more fruit. In some seasons, it’s all of the above.
While these “right things” can change, for me it currently looks like mentorship, leading the women’s prison group, and working on specific poetry/writing projects. This is balanced with a day a week carved out with a full day of no-chore rest.
Maybe you share some of the same “right things” as I do, but it’s likely that it looks different. So I’d like to pose these questions to you:
How do you spend your time in a given week?
What is your purpose or mission?
Do the answers to these questions align? What’s the next step you can take to invest your time in the “right things”?
BONUS Q: Is there any undue responsibility that you’re holding?
We all know that time is finite. Days slip through our fingers like sand. Let’s live on mission, undistracted, and make the most of these moments while we’re here: full of rest, impact, and purpose.